It’s coming again. The void and the nothingness are devouring me. The dreams are hunting me. I wish I could disappear for a while, until my heart is fully booked. I thought I was a normal person because all I have been taught is to be normal. Why can’t I? That normalness is so perfect that it has covered all the cracks and wounds. “I’m lying in bed” doesn’t mean “I’m falling into sleep”. “I’m traveling” doesn’t mean “I’m on holiday”. “I leave” doesn’t mean “I’m out of love”. “I care about you” doesn’t mean “I will let you be happy”. I’m tired of blaming myself. So I’m looking for a new “self” to blame. Can’t I find the tiny star in that dark Skyfall? Oh, yeah I did and then that star evaporated. I wait for a comeback. Will it return, better, bigger, shinier? Will that star be mine all over again?
My tears flushed out today, after a 1-day break. Am I too pathetic or am I healing? Am I a good person? Or at least, precious? I have everything yet nothing. Those smiles, I love them. I want to laugh. To things I have predicted, can you please, please betray me? Please prove me wrong, please never knock on my door! There is always room for errors. How about forgiveness, companionship?
I know it isn’t your job. But can you fix or cure me? Can you diagnose me wrong and ill? And if yes, what’s wrong? I need someone who is different from me, someone who makes me feel heard and seen. I found that person but life is a gift that can easily be a debt. When I have something, I need to pay it back. When I am too high, I need to get low. I believe in a beautiful life. Can you give me what I believe? Or show me how I can get there. I’ll try my best. I’ll try. But can you promise me?
There is a house full of shadows, where I feel everyone yet no one. This house is always on rent.
Thank you for being my therapist. Thank you for being here. Thank you!
See you soon!
Sending warmth,
Anh Thu.
Thư Thủ Thỉ 